Humorist Dave Barry entertained millions of readers with his nationally syndicated column from 1983 to 2004. Along the way, he earned a Pulitzer Prize for commentary, inspired a television series (Dave’s World), and even, after mocking the cities of Grand Forks, South Dakota and East Grand Forks, Minnesota, earned the honor of having a sewage pumping station named after him. Dave’s slowed down in recent years, but he always had a lot to say about taxes. So here are some of our favorite Dave Barry quotes for your quick enjoyment:
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.”
“We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”
“[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.”
“The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they’re useless.”
“The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.”
“If our government is going to be able to provide for the common good, everybody has to contribute his or her fair share in the form of taxes. And when I say “everybody,” I mean, “not everybody.” Because the truth is that a lot of people don’t pay taxes. Poor people, for example. Also many rich people. Also a fair number of middle-income people.”
“Q. At 9 a.m. today, I made large cash contributions to both major political parties. As of 1:30 this afternoon, the federal government had still not enacted special tax-break legislation just for me. What kind of country is this?
A. Unfortunately, because of the high demand, the federal government can no longer provide “same-day service,” but if you do not see action by noon tomorrow, you should contact your personal congressperson; or, if you are staying in the Lincoln Bedroom, simply stomp on the floor.”
This week it seems especially appropriate to remind you that there’s nothing funny about overpaying your taxes, and there are no Pulitzer Prizes waiting for people who do it. The solution, of course, is a plan to pay less. So call us when you’re ready for a plan of your own, and have a laugh at the expense of everyone else who doesn’t have one!
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